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Dating Jokes and Relationship Humor!

Man Versus Woman Intelligence is very subjective. However, if the male human was more intelligent, wouldn't the following apply across the board?

Adult Humor and other adult content can be found within these pages. You must 18 years of age or older to read and deliver these jokes to friends and or family.

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Insightful Thoughts for your Consideration

The proof is obvious, men are pussy whipped!

If man was truly in charge:

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL teamof your choice.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Garbage would take itself out.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
• Two words: Ally McNaked.
• Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
• The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
• Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Lifes Rules According to Men!

As Written By The Secret Society Of Men VS Women

Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.

Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Snappy Comebacks to:"Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone,
on which the inscription read : HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

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